Skip to main content

Can you take care of yourself?

A

couple of years ago, I had a comfortable life. An unsatisfactory job that paid for my bills, a considerably good lifestyle, and a 'Maid'. Williams, she did all my home chores, cooked food, brought breakfast and tea, to the table! My maid had actually made my life easier! I used to lovingly introduce her to my friends as my 'Maid of Honour'. I never had to run errands or take care of anything. She handed me a list of items every month. My job was to provide the money to suffice the purpose. Voila! I almost had a wife!

In short, I was not taking care of myself. I was paying someone to take care of me. I was co-dependent on her. The horrific days when she didn't show up, the house seemed hit by a mini-tornado. The piled-up load of unwashed utensils and clothes awaited her sight. The rare moments when I had a shaky will to cook a meal, the aggressive marketing of food apps left no stone to kill it! All that said, life was still pretty good. 

Search for Bigger Things:

One day my geyser broke down. Williams started heating the water on the gas burner. Naturally, the need to fix the geyser became redundant and life continued to be good!

But of course, life needs to be not just good, but exciting too! So one fine day, I had a sudden whim of quitting my job. My alter ego, my motivator (Biggie) keeps whispering to me to pursue ‘Bigger Things’. So, once a year it convinces me to go unemployed and broke, to find if those ‘Bigger Things’ exist.

Well! the unemployed phase has its downsides too. The easily affordable luxuries, start burdening your shoulders now. (spondylosis in my case). This called for an excruciating decision, 'laying off my maid.' So, with a heavy heart, I sent Williams on a sabbatical. I assured her that she can resume when I conquer my whims. Weeks went by, and I was still seeking those 'Bigger Things.' (No surprise there, it's an annual event!)

Moments with your Conscience:

With no one to heat the water on the burner, I put bathing on the back burner. It became an arduous task, that required determination and effort. I finally decided to get an electrician and what happened next was a bolt from the blue. Five minutes, and it was fixed! I was startled!

In the aftermath of this incident, I was mindlessly preparing tea. I heard a voice, "I would like biscuits with tea", I looked up and it was my second alter ego, my philosopher (Philie). It threw a hard-hitting question at me just when I was dipping the biscuit in the tea.

"Why exactly did you take four months for something that required five minutes? This isn't procrastination. This is loitering your destiny, forsaking your life! It’s a lack of self-care, decision-making, leading to a lack of action." By now, the biscuit had drowned, melted, and become one with the tea. I was quick to throw some questions right back. "Is this why I am not able to grow in life? Could have I saved precious years by taking simple decisions on time?" Biggie too joined us, it looked at Philie, smirked, and said, " And I am expecting ‘Bigger Things’ from her." They both chuckled and left...

The Broke Yet Not Woke Phase:

Of course, it was time for an awakening. Time for self-realization, enlightenment, and an array of life-changing decisions! Oh wait, this is not a movie. So, I went back to my careless life. Gradually my unemployment fell in love with me and decided to extend its stay (over 7 months). On the other hand, my savings felt betrayed and started swiping left and right at strangers.

I came up with unbelievable excuses to avoid dinner outings with friends. The food apps by now added email marketing (with emotional captions). Google AdSense made sure to not let me breathe without looking at sultry, cheese-dripping food images, even while working. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep after having Maggi! 

Finally, the Journey Begins...:

There came a point where Biggie and Philie got so emotional that they started cooking right away. Without ingredients! They mixed up leftovers from the fridge. Made interesting sandwiches and a variety of khichdis, eventually adulting to Chapati-bhaji. Difficult, but still doable.

The mammoth task was the house chores. Cleaning utensils, washing clothes, scrubbing the toilet, dusting the house! It took me a week to start regularly washing the utensils and using them as little as possible. My brother offered to gift me a phone, but I smartly traded the offer with a washing machine. Clothes, sheets, blankets, linens, and every possible fabric around me were fresh.

As days passed by, I saw myself cleaning parts of the house that I never knew existed. I de-cluttered the wardrobe and junk lying around. Organizing our surroundings works wonders for mental health. No wonder, Philie was rejoicing! Well, Biggie was not behind! It pushed me to give interviews, watch motivational videos and movies. Get self-help books and plan better.

It’s great to have someone take care of all your needs. I did enjoy the comfort of someone taking care. But, taking care of myself was more satisfying!

The succeeding months involved simple decisions. I was exercising, taking brisk walks, and practicing meditation. I was working on balancing my mental health, with positive self-talk. I gifted myself a karaoke mic, as I am a gifted bathroom singer! I cheered up myself with ample green plants in the house. I resumed journaling and tickled my love for poetry!

I haven’t miraculously got all life answers or attained salvation. That process is ongoing. I still get bogged down in the past traumas. There are some depressing moments but several strong moments too which assure me that I can rise above the storm. Albeit, I am alone, doing things all by myself, I know I can take care of myself. I try to keep myself motivated, productive, and strong. There's peace, self-assurance, that yeah, if nobody, I am always there to take care of myself, always!

 

 


Comments

More

Face the Nemesis and Rise Above the Storm!

A t happy times we are often surrounded by our folks, but the dark times will seldom witness the same. We think it's only 'me' facing the nemesis, but that's not true, each one of us is. And one has to face it bravely and emerge out of it as a winner. If not a winner, at least emerge as a fighter and rise above the storm! Umpteen stories have struck my ears recently about many of the people I know, some of them being my friends. Suddenly it seems like the world has turned upside down this particular year. Most of them are going through the most difficult phase of their lives. It's a life-changing period! One of the news made me rethink how crucial it is to not let people's criticism change your course of life. Rahul, who was about to get married in a month and shift his base to the US, ended his life. This left his parents unnerved as well as outraged as there was no apparent reason for such a drastic step.  Days later, his sister found out from his friends th...

The Dilemma of 'Comfort vs Excitement!

Most extroverts have transverted into introverts due to the forced 'WFH' in the pandemic. Work-life balance has been taken so seriously in the last couple of years, that we dread the idea of going back to the pre-pandemic full-time office structure. The comfort of WFH is disturbingly overwhelming! Most people are molded in this new structure of living the same day, every day!  One might think, what is the point of being alive if every day we are just doing the same things? Is it ok if we are neither satisfied with it nor looking forward to the next day? Living alone, away from the family, society, and the usual circle of the so-called 'people we know.' Some of us feel free.  We don't have to pretend or be afraid of judgment, we don't have to lie to save ourselves from anything or anyone. We don't have to go through the usual process of people controlling and manipulating (or punishing the untamable ones). Making us feel guilty, regretful, and confused about ...

Breaking mental chains!

  My dependence was a barrier, a barrier created by my own mind.  A nd even to break this barrier, I was dependent on others to intertwine. My mind kept erecting walls with each bad experience.  And the impossibility of breaking this growing prison made me furious. Maybe my imagination or hopefulness, but the walls appeared transparent.  And the unbelievable things that might come my way were quite apparent. But my so-called well-wishers were bogging me down in the name of homeliness.  And dismantling my confidence, inculcating the fear of loneliness. For years I kept staring at the walls, hoping to me someone will seek out.  Gradually allowing myself to carve some windows to peek out. And through one of the windows, I felt the beach - humid and warm.  Along came a whisper, it's just a breeze outside not a storm. The storm was inside me, holding me back, keeping me trembling.  And just when that hit me, all walls came down crumbling. The windows w...

Twisted Realities…

Truth be said, truth be told, but is it truth let me behold. It’s jilted, it's twisted, it has a lot of dispersion, So don’t be a judge or an advocate of your own version. There is a reason why this truth is hidden, In this hypocritical society, the truth is actually forbidden. It is run by a bunch of control freaks, Who satiate with your pain and shrieks. I feel sorry for the poor truth being within the confines, It's to shun the wagging tongues of those stupid minds. So don’t make me feel guilty, coz I’m not, You can wear my shoes, just give it a shot. Maybe then you’ll wonder if the truth be known, We might just agree to leave it alone!    

I Deserve the Universe!

I am grateful there are no foggy roads ahead of me, It feels euphoric to realize how far I have come!   I am happy that people taught me to curb my expectations, It feels insightful to learn the drawbacks of over-giving.   I am relieved that I can finally distinguish evil from angels, It feels majestic that I can see clearly now. I am ecstatic to work on my strengths and weaknesses, It feels wise to unlearn and let go of my preconceived notions.   I am so thankful to see my dark side fading with time, It feels responsible to add good habits every day.   I am glad that procrastination doesn't feel comfortable anymore, It feels enthusiastic to get things done before the deadlines.   I am enchanted to spectate my metamorphosis,  It feels heavenly to be reborn with each rising sun.   I am amused that I have started to understand the game, It feels safe that I know how to use my armor.   I am thrilled that I am so sure about my path, It feels powerful ...

Veils of Sweetness!

For the longest time, I was on a dreadful journey of de-addiction of some prominent poisons, one is sugar and the others are a few toxic connections! It sure has been a long and exhausting roller-coaster ride of insulin and emotions…   These poisons are interlinked and bring with them a hideous dependency, Crawling out of this ugly web is nearly impossible for one with a needy tendency   The toxic offenders often kept me hooked with false rewards for my loyalty,  Well, I'm amazed at how long it took me to drag myself out of this cruelty   These poisons enslave you with an unneeded high, throwing you far from the CALM! The poisons wear a veil of sweetness, covering their greed and sham   The overconsumption of the poisons had resulted in my ugly and shapeless appearance! It sucked the joy, beauty, excitement, and novelty out of every wonderful experience!   Rejecting the illusionary satisfactions, the mental immune cycle might come on track, Let me go sugar-...

Your sufferings aren't your only identity!

W hen a baby completes its time in the womb and is ready to step into the world, the umbilical cord is cut off. This makes it an individual entity, no longer attached to another individual through a cord.  Most of us, even in our adulthood are still tangled in a cord. The cord of comfort that keeps us wrapped around our traumas. The trauma that we sometimes use to feel better about ourselves. We stress too much on the feeling of being a survivor of the cruelty done by people who had power over us.  Not demeaning the severity of the suffering, but we need to realize an alarming fact. Even after the actual suffering is long over most of us keep wasting precious years of our lives reliving the trauma in our minds. We make our sufferings our only identity. Just like the cows ruminate - they swallow, un-swallow, re-chew, and re-swallow their food. In the same way, we keep chewing our cud, wallowing in every incident that affected us deeply.  We recreate those situations in our...

Name whatever, its She/Her...

Her mind is shaped to be weak from childhood , she cannot handle it, as power is bad, and weak is good. She feels powerful the moment she has control over her life,  but to feel the same, he has to control his daughter, sister, mother, and wife. The only way he thinks he can do it is by oppressing her.  Oppress her? Why? So that she doesn't think of doing the same things that he is allowed and proud to do. She is not weak, she is attached by a relation, being tolerant, and  more submissive to the demands during the formation. She becomes more caring and understanding to protect her fears,  to not drift away or break something that she has built over the years. She's blind to the abuse and scars for the promises,  that tomorrow he will apply love to those bruises. She takes the blame for his mistakes,  in the hope that one day he will realize her sacrifices. And with every sacrifice, he puts her on a pedestal,  so that she continues to put herself last ...

Keep the search on…!

L ast week I was watching this fun series, Masaba Masaba . Apart from being a superb tale about a single parent and a biracial love child, it had a lot of unique concepts. In situations of fear and stress as well as achievements, there is often a small girl with the protagonist, which is her inner child. It was a beautiful way to show her vulnerability and childhood trauma. I could relate to the concept, in fact, a lot of people with an abnormal or painful childhood must have related to it. Especially children who were abandoned by a parent or both parents. Such children actually never grow up, yet on the contrary, become extremely mature before their age. As a result, there is always this child who is searching for someone in every person. And an adult who doesn’t want anyone and pushes away every person. So there are two different people in the same body and mind. Sometimes the adult consoles and pampers the child. Sometimes the child acts stronger and encourages the adult. As the ad...
Protected by Copyscape